Don’t give up

I would never want to pretend or deceive any of you men who are in marriages that are very difficult by telling you that if you do all the things I have talked about here, then everything will be perfect in your marriage. That is just untrue. Difficult marriages are difficult because of the two people in them together. But the truth is that one is often more culpable for the strife than the other. Although some have said that it takes two to tango, even in dancing there is often one of the two dancers that are better or worse than the other.

That being said, no broken or hurting marriage would not be somehow improved when one of the parties decides to make a positive difference.  When one party makes a commitment to love completely, to appreciate the other for the good they do, to forgive the past errors and move the relationship in a new direction.

When you make a commitment to do these things there will be days that you want to give up. There will be days that you feel completely defeated. There will be days where you can’t help but think that you are wasting your time and it isn’t helping anything. On those days you just have to dig deeper.

I don’t know why I can’t seem to see Ben Stein saying this but I know he did and it so apropos to today’s message. He said, “The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated…it is finished when it surrenders.” That truly is the whole of it.

It is so important to love your wife completely. It is so important to encourage her daily. It is so important to appreciate everything she does for you and your family. But none of those will matter if you don’t make the decision right now to see it through till the end. The most important thing you can do to change the future of your marriage and family is to first decide to never give up.

Do it with fervor

One of the things you might have noticed about me, although I don’t know if it comes across in my writing as strongly as it does in person, is that I am passionate about whatever I do.  My marriage is no exception and thus loving my wife is done with the same zest and zeal as every other personal or work endeavor.

As you might have seen in some of the comments that have been received, there are many people who disagree with my ideas, my style, and my suggestions on how men should love their wives. And although I sometimes don’t understand what value they garner from an opinion that seems, at least to me, to devalue another human being, I do in fact welcome and enjoy their involvement and participation. That being said, I have never been one to follow the road more traveled, when truth and historical evidence point me to another path.  I worry much less about those who would discourage me than I ever do about the cost of not doing what I know to be right.

I believe it was Ayn Rand in one of the dialogues in her famous book Fountainhead, that said,

“My dear fellow, who will let you?”

“That’s not the point. The point is, who will stop me?”

That is how you must feel about doing what is good for your wife. What is good for your marriage. You have to have the strength and conviction of a mighty and noble man, to be considerate, caring, affectionate, and kind to the woman you love while maintaining a clear and fortified image of your masculinity.

You cannot do this halfheartedly. It will take the very best of who you are. It will take a focus and determination that no one can stand against. It will take the fullest measure of your passion and your fervor to effect change. But ask yourself, what is of higher value in your life than for your wife to be loved, your kids to be witness to true love, and for your family to be strengthened and confirmed by your honor.

A little about me

As I was reading over some of the posts I have written here, it dawned on me that it sounds like I do everything right when it comes to loving my wife. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

As far as the things I write about in the various posts you have all seen here, I believe in every one of them. I also have done every one of them some of the time. Like everyone else, I miss doing many of these things sometimes as well.

Like all of you, I get tired, I get grumpy, I get my feelings hurt and don’t do the things I talk about everyday here with you. But what I try to do is get back to them quickly. I try to catch myself in the middle of a bad mood, apologize and start showing Janine how much I love her. How much I appreciate her. How much I adore her.

The thing I like so much about having written this blog, written these thoughts down, is they are always on my mind. I spend very little time lost in complaining or griping about someone else. The focus is on me. On my actions. How I am treating Janine.

I hope as you read these thoughts, these posts, that you too will start to have them on your mind. That the ideas written here become a part of your conscious thoughts. That they will help you to get through the tough times in your life. That they will help you deal with the situations you face in your marriage.

It takes a strong commitment to change any habit, behavior or situation in your life that you are unhappy with. Make a commitment to read and reread the ideas I have posted here. Buy books about marriage and relationships that offer the help you need. You have to be willing to make the ideas and techniques that are proven to build a great marriage the thoughts that are in the front of your mind all the time.

Change your world

Every one of us has the ability to change the world. No, we won’t likely end world hunger or stop nuclear proliferation but we can change the world nonetheless. We can change the world by changing our world. If we care enough.

I can give you the easy ones, like Oprah opening the girl’s school in South Africa, but you might think it was only possible because of her money and notoriety. I could give you Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, who literally changed the world one person at a time. But again, I am afraid that might sound like something bigger than we personally are capable of.

But who among us doesn’t know a family that has adopted a child and given them a home they would not have known without their generosity. Or whose family or close circle of friends does not include a young single mother who chose to keep and raise a baby that the world has clearly devalued to the point of insignificance. I can assure you that the world was changed by each of these decisions as well.

So what about you? Are you willing to change the world? Are you willing to change your world? Are you willing to change the world for your wife and kids?

It does not take some heroic act of strength or might. It only takes a heroic act of courage to love someone when you are scared of being hurt again. It only takes a commitment of your time to change the life of your kids.

Make a stand that will change the world today and forever. Give your wife your undying love and commitment. Show her that nothing will stand between the two of you. That together, as one, you will make a better home, a better family, a better marriage. The rippling effect of that commitment will change the world for your family. And the love from your family will change the world whether you understand what those changes are or not.

The little things

It is so easy to overlook all the great things we have in our life. All the great things that we have in our marriage. All the great things we have in our wife. They are often the little things that go unnoticed.

When we fail to see the little things that bring us joy and happiness,  we put ourselves at risk of losing them forever. Robert Brault reminds us, “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” How important is that to us in our marriage? How many people have suffered through the pain of divorce to only realize they failed to see and appreciate all the great things they had in their marriage?

We often take so much for granted in our wives that we fail to see what our lives would be like without them. We are so focused on what they do wrong, or what they don’t do for us, that we miss all the things the do right, and all the things they do.

How aware are you of what your wife does for you? Does your wife go to work everyday just like you and help provide for your family? Does your wife buy you clothes? Does your wife do most of the cooking? Does your wife do most of the cleaning? Does your wife do most of the work in taking care of the kids needs everyday?

If you are focused on what you are unhappy with in your wife, you will fail to see the lengthy list of things that she does everyday to support you. To care for you. To meet your needs. Don’t be that guy.

Make a list of all the things your wife does everyday, every week, every month, and every year for you and your family. When you are feeling that she isn’t meeting all your needs, take the list out and look at it. Then go up to her and thank her for everything she does do. You will quickly find yourself being thankful for the little things instead of complaining about the others. And with your thankfulness you will find you will keep your wife, your marriage and all the little things that make them great.

Constructive Criticism

Constructive Criticism. I have found that these two words are responsible for more damage between husband and wife than possible any other two words ever spoken. I am sure that there are other examples of what are supposed to be helpful hints, misused, but I can’t think of any that have caused more damage and broken more spirits.

I think it is because it is so easy to be critical. It is so easy to point out in others what we think they are doing wrong. What we think they should do differently. It is so much easier than living by example. Living in the way we think everyone should live but we fail at just as often.

Why do we think that our wives are not trying just as hard as we are? Why do we think that we have all the answers? Why do we think that we do it all right and our wives need us to come along and point out everything they are doing wrong?

I don’t know why we do any of these things but I do know for sure that we would be well served to do it a lot less. As husbands, we have to be as loving as possible with our wives. We have to encourage them with our words. Not break them down. Not make them feel stupid. Not damage their spirits. We have to recognize that whether they admit it or not, they depend on us to build them up. They depend on us to affirm them.

When your wife feels loved, she will respond with love back to you and your family. She will have confidence that she cannot get from herself alone. She will be strengthened to do more as your wife and as a mother to your children.

There will be plenty of opportunities to discuss things you both would want to different and better. Do these when you are alone. Even better, do these things through example before any discussion.

Take the time to encourage your wife everyday in the things she does well. Compliment her rather than critique her. Tell others about the great things your wife does and make sure she  hears your compliments and accolades. Your praise will do more to influence your wife than any “constructive criticism” you might say.

You take my breath away

As many of you know, my wife Janine has changed my life in so many ways that I often have a hard time getting my hands around it all. But what I can clearly see above all else is who she is as a person and all her abilities and accomplishments. She is truly amazing. She is so talented. She is kind to everyone. She is a great mother. She is a great friend.

I was reading a tweet that reminded me that, “Life isn’t about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.” That is truly how I live today. Janine takes my breath away almost everyday. She does this in myriad ways. I want to share some of them with you in hopes that you will see opportunities to have your breath taken away by your wife and the things she does.

The easiest one for me to recall is that her beauty takes my breath away. Yes, I mean her physical appearance and form. I can honestly say that each day, when I look at her, I am some how more attracted to her. She is more beautiful to me everyday. I don’t know how this can be or how to explain it. But when I look at her each day, I am overwhelmed by how she appears to be more beautiful than the day before. I know that I thought the same thing yesterday, but looking at her, I am certain that I have never seen her look as beautiful as she does today. She takes my breath away.

When I watch her play with the kids, so loving, so compassionate, so selfless, I am amazed by this woman. She loves in a way I cannot understand or comprehend. She loves completely. She loves with her whole body and soul. She takes my breath away.

When I am in a bad mood, she overlooks it and tries to make it better. She does something to make me laugh. Or she does something to change the direction of my thoughts. She changes my mood. She is like no one I have ever known. She takes my breath away.

When things are tough at work, or money is too tight, she tells me how proud of me she is. She tells me how she has faith in me. She tells me how she trusts me. She makes it about our love and our family, not the situation we are in. She takes my breath away.

When she is hurting or is sad, she tells me how she is feeling. She tells me her fears. She doesn’t point the finger or place the blame on me. She just authentically opens her soul and talks to me. She takes my breath away.

I know that it is all these things that she does that makes her more beautiful to me everyday and that takes my breath away all over again. I am so blessed to have a life of moments that take my breath away.

I hope you will take notice of your wife and what she does. It is not that anyone is perfect or is able to do it right every time, but if you will allow yourself to be taken by her acts of kindness, her acts of love, you will be blessed with a life of moments that take your breath away.

What do good men want?

I have seen quite a few comments and quite a few other blogs talk about how I only address what a woman needs from a man and not what a man needs from a woman. While many of these are very derogatory, I find most of them to be simply ignorant. Not because they are wrong. But because that is what this blog is about. Hence the name What She Needs From You.

But nevertheless, I wanted to address the point directly.

To all of you amazing women that read this blog everyday and comment on your great husbands or lack thereof. Here is my list of what we need from you.

We need you to support us in our work.

We need you to tell us we are handsome, even if we are not.

We need you to kiss us when you see us.

We need you to make us look better in the way we dress. (Maybe not all of us.)

We need you to kindly point out when we are offending someone.

We need you to remind us when we are neglecting you.

We need you to remind us when we are neglecting the kids.

We need you to be affectionate with us.

We need you to desire us.

We need you to brag about us.

We need you to hang up the phone with friends and family and spend time with us.

We need you to want sex. (Even when you don’t want sex.)

We need you to amazed by us.

We need you to stroke our ego.

We need you to think we are smart. Even if no one else does.

We need you to encourage us.

We need you to patient with us.

We need you to surprise us with things.

We need you to care about your physical appearance.

We need you to mother our children.

We need you to point out the little things in life that we often miss.

We need you to remind us there is a God, and we are not Him.

I am sure there are a million other things we need and maybe I will start a new blog someday to better explore and articulate those things. But for now, you have a starter list and I hope all those that thought I didn’t know that we men have needs too, now know that I am aware that this is a two way street. That while I don’t specifically address it on a daily basis, you women have to be willing to work just as hard as we do. And you have to respond to what we do to show you how much we love you.

For those whose intent was to say that a man shouldn’t have to do all the things I write about in this blog, I am so sorry for you. You will never have the amazing gift that is a good wife, until you are willing to be a good husband. Or more to the point, a good man.

To be desired

Although this post will tell you more about what women need and want from us as it closes, it gets there by looking at what men want as well. As much as we men want to be strong, confident, and self-sufficient, the truth is we want to be desired. We want to be needed. We want to be loved. We may not admit it to anyone or even be willing to admit it to ourselves, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is true.

Robert Frost said, “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” It is true for all of us. Not just women as many of us would like to think.

Knowing this is true allows us to make ourselves more desirable. Sure, we already know the things the world tells us we can do to become more desirable. We can lose weight. We can exercise. We can work out. We can buy fancy clothes and drive fancy cars. But these things only make us desirable to those who don’t know us.

It is who we truly and authentically are that can have the most dramatic impact on our desirability to our wives. It is how we love. It is how treat others. It is how we handle our money. It is how we act when few or none can see us.

Our wives are witnesses everyday to the men we are, or unfortunately the men we are not. They see everything about us, or see that we have things we are hiding from the world, or worse, from them.

But there is hope for all of us to become more desirable.  We can change our actions if we know what our wives desire. We can shape ourselves into that which they most crave. Fortunately, most women want many of the same things. They want a man that can listen without having to fix everything. They want a man that will be affectionate. They want a man that will be patient. They want a man that will stand up for his wife. They want a man that will be a great father. They want a man that will forgive easily. They want a man that will admit to a mistake and say he is sorry. They want a man that will be considerate of her thoughts and feelings.

None of the things they want will cost you a dime. They will only cost you your time, your effort, your commitment. And in return, you will gain what it is that you truly desired all along. To be desired.

Make today count

It is so easy to go through life existing, waiting for something in the future, ignoring how important today really is. When we focus on what is yet to be, or on things yet to happen, we miss the opportunity to effect those we love today.

John Ruskin said, “Let every dawn be to you as the beginning of life, and every setting sun be to you as its close.” That is truly the secret of  life. The secret to a great life. The secret to making your life count.

When we forget that today is important, that is valuable, we neglect to do all we can to have an impact with our life. We neglect to have an impact on our marriage and our family. We fail to be important.

The knowledge that there will always be a tomorrow, gives us a false sense of security that we will always have a tomorrow. Another day to tell our wives we love them. Another day to show our kids how important they are to us. Another day to do the things we are always saying we want to do, someday.

Don’t let the surety of another day in the world lull you into missing the opportunity that today really is. Make sure that you live life to the fullest everyday. Take the time to do today what you would do if it was your last. Tell your wife that she is the most important person in your life. Tell her how she has made your life better. Tell her about the things you appreciate in her. Tell your kids what they have done that you are proud of. Encourage everyone in your family through your words of affirmation. And teach them how to do the same. Teach them the importance of today.

Make this your goal. Live determined to rest at the end of each day content with your accomplishments of the day. To know that you have finished this day well even if it is your last.