Do what works.


I have a very good friend that I have known for about 10 years now. Early on in our relationship he told me about a principle that he lives by. He said, “Take right, wrong, good and bad out of every thing you do, and just do what works.” I was so affronted at first, by the thought of not caring about right and wrong that I missed the whole meaning of what he was saying. I think it is that judgmental thing that so many Christians struggle with that hindered me. Having gotten to know him so much better, I now know that he wasn’t advocating anything about ignoring right from wrong. He was actually giving me a new perspective on right and wrong, good and bad.

What he meant by do what works is, that when you do what works, right and wrong take care of themselves. For instance, if you are considering cheating on your wife, instead of thinking about right and wrong, think about does it work for you. You will likely lose your marriage. You will likely be humiliated before your wife, your children, your extended family, your friends and your community. Take right, wrong, good and bad out of it and it just doesn’t work.

Or if you are fighting for your right to be honest with your wife and tell her all the things she does wrong and that you don’t like. Look back at your history and tell me how that is working for you. Has it yielded you the results you were going for. I doubt it. So whether you are right or wrong in what you are saying, it still doesn’t work.

That is great advice for all of us. In every interaction we have with our spouses, do what works. If the things you are doing aren’t giving you the relationship you want with your wife, stop them. Try new ones. Don’t be concerned about if you are doing the right thing. Concern yourself with whether or not it will work. Watch how other men act with their wives. If you see a wife that is happy, strong, content, and thriving, you are probably looking at the wife of a man that is doing what works. Mimic him. Ask him how he loves his wife. What he does for her. Learn from others. So many men have mentors in their professional life but I don’t know one that has a mentor in their role as husband or father.

So change the way you look at things. Do what works.

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16 Responses to Do what works.

  1. suburbandharma says:

    It’s so important to remove judgment from everything we do!

    I would, however, argue that someone who is considering cheating on their spouse doesn’t really believe that all those things will happen to them, or no one would do it! More often, arrogance makes them believe that they can pull it off… or perhaps they just don’t take the time to think at all.

    So glad you are posting- seems like a great site.

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Yeah, maybe that wasn’t the best example. I was trying to bring a new perspective at how to look at the things we do.

      Thanks for your input. Please keep commenting so I can improve the work.

  2. Wes Shepherd says:

    Ken–this is an amazing blog! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a body of work that puts together common sense elements in such a way that they become a guidebook for building a strong relationship with your spouse. I’ll definitely be back–thanks for inviting me to take a look.

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Thank you so much Wes for the encouragement. I am hopeful that this will become a place that men can not only come to read what I have to say but a single point to come and ask questions and the community will help each other.

  3. hannahnow says:

    Hi Ken,
    Well you did ask me for my opinion. I am also Christian as well, and a retired counselor. I agree in some sense. We do tell clients if what you’re doing doesn’t work try something different, and see if that works. However, it’s sort of like when people spank their children to get them to fall in line, yes they they obey because they don’t want to be hurt. But, is this really showing them the real reason it’s wrong, and harmful for them to be doing this? I personally believe that we need to have an understanding beyond what just works and doesn’t work. It’s a true undrstanding of what God wants us to feel about the sitaution and the other person. This is really difficult to put into words. I believe God wants us to feel and know not to cheat on our spouse because we truly feel that we would never want to harm or cause grief to a person we love, or anyone else. We can’t cut that out of the equation. For then we live in a black and white world, without any feeling or humaness toward others. It’s too selfish just to think, Oh this wouldn’t work for me, when the consideration should be toward the other person and what may or may not be harmful for them. I know this isn’t even close to what I want to express. But sometimes words are not enough.
    Hannah

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Hannah,

      You are so right. I may not have made my point very well. I was trying to add another perspective to decision making and might have made it seem like right and wrong are irrelevant. That was certainly not my intention.

      Please keep the comments coming. I want to keep improving what I’m doing here.

      Thanks for your input.

  4. imaginecreation says:

    Hey, I got a comment from you and had a chance to skip over here just for a bit. The posts I was able to read are good! I’ll be back. You asked me what made my husband my better half. Uh, I say that all the time and I think my pea-brain I’m referring to him being the thinker and doer. I tend to be the affectionate, doting one . . . though he is not void of affection . . . he tends to keep the wheels of our life rolling. I’ve found, in the short 8 years we’ve been married, that it takes both our strengths to make this thing happen and instead of fighting to create our own clone in our partner . . . choosing to cherish who they are, letting their strengths make it a whole partnership, instead of top-heavy.

    And, of course, by the sheer grace of God . . . if it weren’t for Him, this thang wouldn’t be rolling at all. :0)

    Anyhoo, there is my really really long answer. :0)

    Best of wishes for this blog and you!

    • Ken Kendall says:

      That doesn’t make him your better-half. That just makes both of you great together. You both compliment each other. And I would gather from your posts that you are a thinker and doer yourself as well.

      Thanks for your comments.

  5. Nabila Huda Bahajjaj says:

    Hey Ken, nice post! doing what works makes every individual relationship very unique! it directs the situation to what works for the relationship than what is perceived to be right and wrong..Even that we cant be sure. for instance,what may be right to me maybe wrong for someone else..

    my huny constantly seeks the answers in my heart when we had a rift…he advocates that matters of the heart(emotions, feeling) should not be intertwined with matters of the mind(right,wrong,logic) because its matter of the hearts which makes us Humans and His best creation!
    just a thought…

    on a separate note,i love what you are doing to your blog! thanks! will bookmark it!

  6. AnonW says:

    Thanks for the comment on my blog.

    My late wife always said she married me because she knew life wouldn’t be boring. I wasn’t and we were together for forty years.

    So don’t be boring!

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Great point. I equate being boring to taking the relationship for granted. You are so right and we cannot do that and expect a growing healthy relationship.

  7. Michael says:

    I love the last part, “so change the way you look at things, do what works” that’s a powerful message and it really matters. !!!

    • Ken Kendall says:

      The way we look at things can change everything about how we act. If we get our perspective right, our actions will follow.

  8. Jeff says:

    I liked this one Ken. I’m pretty young so I can’t say I’m an expert in the ways of love, but I can recognize good material when I see it. Keep up the good work!

  9. Ken Kendall says:

    Thank you.

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