Focus on her at parties.


I have heard many wives talk about how much they hate to go to parties with their husbands. That they are often heartbreaking events rather than something that brings anticipation and fulfillment. The main complaint is that when they go to parties, as soon as they get there, their husbands vanish. They either disappear with a group of men to a TV or they seek out conversation with anybody other than their wives.

Now there is no reason that we have to spend every minute at an event with our spouse and only converse with them. And I don’t get the feeling that they want that either. But they do want to be with us. They do want to be a couple. They want to be seen with us, talk with us, laugh with us. Is that so bad?

When we spend all our time at parties, speaking with everyone else, it says to our wives that we value the thoughts and ideas of everyone else, more than we do of our spouse. I know that we can talk with them all the time but it is important to do that in front of others as well. It shows that we place a high value on our wives. That we enjoy their company. That we are glad to be with them.

When I go anywhere with my wife and we are with a group of people, I have a game plan. I make sure that we enter together. I stay with her while we go around and meet everyone and say hello. I stay by her side until she engages with someone else. I then will take some time to go and mingle with people I want to see or maybe haven’t spoken with for awhile. While doing this, I look for her often. I make sure she catches me looking at her. I make sure she sees me adoring her. I go back to her often and talk with her about who she was talking to or who I was talking to.

When we are in a group talking, I compliment my wife about things she does or says that are relevant. I make sure that everyone knows, especially Janine, that I am in love with her and glad to be with her. This may all sound contrived or too much like an agenda rather than me being myself. But that is not true. I just know myself well enough to know that when I don’t have a game plan, I don’t do as well. I try to have a game plan in so many other areas of my life as well. I do this because I want to achieve the desired result.  I desire for my wife to feel loved, to feel needed, to feel valuable. I have to focus on this if I want to achieve it.

The next time you are going anywhere with your wife where you will be with a large group of people, think about how you will act when you get there. Have a game plan that focuses on your wife as well as the other people. She will appreciate your focus and attention. She will reward you with her attention and care for your needs as well. Now that’s what I call a win-win.

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4 Responses to Focus on her at parties.

  1. Outstanding article! I love your game plan and I would even add something my husband I do. We enter and stay together for the first little bit and then separate. But what we do different is we make an agreement up ahead of time to seek the other out and see how they’re doing. Neither of us feel abandoned and we can signal each other our needs.

    Like you said . . . I love hanging out with my husband and we find that we don’t separate at functions as much the older we get. We’ve been married for eighteen going on nineteen years now and we still enjoy our company to that of others.

    Good stuff! I think your thoughts and advice will touch many people and might spark some fascinating debates between spouses. Love it!

    Sarah
    http://laughwithsarah.wordpress.com/

    • Ken Kendall says:

      You are so right. What a blessing to have been with the same person for so long. I am saddened by the many couples that have as much time together as you and your husband, and have grown farther apart through the years rather than closer together.

      I hope this blog will help many of them to tear down the walls and start rebuilding their relationships.

      Ken

  2. Andrea says:

    You know, I hate to say it, but this is one of my touchy subjects and you hit it on the head as to why. I moved to the town my husband grew up in when I met him, and while he had all his established friendships, I had to forge new ones. We would go to a party and he would disappear, or leave me with his friends’ wives, who are nice enough and are now some of my best friends though at the time I hardly knew them, and he was off with the guys playing pool or darts or whatever. I felt like he left me to be babysat. Over time, that feeling has been lessened as I’ve gotten closer to his friends, whom I’ve now come to think of is my friends as well, so the discomfort is gone. I felt abandoned, and sometimes still do. He’ll come find me to check on me periodically, but in situations where I don’t know many people at the gathering, I’m left standing there making small talk with someone I may not know very well and feeling awkward and he’s off having a great time, and then doesn’t understand when I said it was only an ‘okay’ time.

    I’ve spent some time catching up on your archives, and I think you’re spot on with most of your posts. Thing is, I think women could take some of these cues too. I know a few of my lady friends who could stand to think about how they treat their men as well. But thank you for doing this blog, for being brave enough to put this idea out there. Hopefully many people will benefit from it!

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Thank you so much for your feedback. I have heard this from so many women. Husbands are great at disappearing.

      I do think it would be great for women as well. I just don’t know how to tell that side of the story yet. You would think it would be easier as I should know what men need as I have been one now for almost 45 years. That being said, the thoughts don’t come to me the same way for better treating men. I guess I will leave that to Dr. Laura with her book The proper care and feeding of husbands. I think that is what it is called.

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