Watcha lookin’ at

Why is it that so many guys are willing to take advantage of the old saying that boys will be boys? This little ditty is not an accurate description of how men are destined to act. It is more an overused and tired excuse for allowing ourselves and for women to minimize the things we do that are unacceptable.

One of the worst offenses of these objectionable acts is how guys will look at or should I say checkout other women when in the company of their wives. Setting aside the absolute disrespect for the women that we love, is it really that hard to be completely in the moment and the experience of the time we share with our sweethearts. Are we really so willing to be relegated to the class of nothing more than an animal that we accept that we don’t have any self-control?

We have all heard the excuses that are bandied about. It’s okay to checkout the menu as long as I eat at home, and there’s nothing wrong with looking as long as I don’t touch. While I know that every man can look and appreciate a beautiful woman without having any desire or intent of anything more than the appreciation itself, I also know that most men add in a measure of lust in every glance. What I don’t understand is how we can find any reason to allow even an innocent acknowledgment of another women’s beauty in the presence of our wives.

To even be aware of another women’s physical appearance while in the company of the one woman we each married is not only disrespectful, it is harmful to their self-esteem, their feeling of safety with their husband, and detrimental to our relationships in every way. Even if it is in the smallest way, it sends a signal that you are always looking for something better. That our wives have to not only match up to every other woman out there but they must exceed them to keep our interests. That it is no longer enough to be the best wife, mother, friend, and lover that they can be for us, they also must somehow compete for our attention with every girl that walks by.

Don’t be that guy. Give your complete attention to your wife when you are with her. Give her your thoughts, give her your actions, and give her your respect. Above all, give her the safety of knowing that you only have eyes for her. That there is not another woman in the world that could take you away from her for any reason. Give her the man that she gave her life to when she married you and gave you hers.


18 Responses to Watcha lookin’ at

  1. IntrigueMe says:

    Sorry Ken, I have to disagree with this one. What’s wrong with noticing another’s attractiveness? Women notice men all the time too. I believe in the “look as long as you don’t touch” line, so long as the looking isn’t staring or innapropriate. What harm can it do? It would be a really insecure women/man to be offended by this, in my opinion. There should be trust in a relationship, and people are only human. How can you possibly stop yourself from noticing a good looking woman/man- you can only control how you react. Just My Opinion!!

  2. Ken Kendall says:

    I am so glad you responded. I was a little worried that it may sound a little extreme but I was really addressing what I called “checking out” another woman.

    I have been with so many couples where I have seen a man look at another woman with way to much “look” in the eyes.

    I know that we all notice the other people around us, including the opposite sex. But noticing quickly and moving on is way different than stopping to appreciate. I don’t think you will hurt someone’s feelings by seeing, but it is when seeing moves to staring that it can be harmful.

    Does that make sense? Or am I still off on this one?

  3. Cindy Holman says:

    No – you’re not off, Ken – and I’m sure many women would agree with you on this one. I myself am married to a really great guy who has never disrespected me in public or private for that matter – and has only had eyes for me since college. He’s pretty amazing – and women stare at him all the time – but he hardly even notices it. I think it’s flattering 🙂 However – I have been the recipient of many stares from men myself over the years – even at my age – imagine that? And like my husband was pointing out to me when reading your article here, men notice something else about women besides body parts – they notice CONFIDENCE. That’s VERY sexy. So if I’m getting stared at for that – I’m loving it! And if a woman in her late 40’s can still draw the “stares” – then it’s a good thing 🙂
    I would have to say that I am NOT like most women, Ken. I’m extremely confident and independent – love a good challenge – love to laugh and tease – and have a wicked sense of humor (that can sometimes get me into trouble). My husband knows this about me – I’m also NOT in the least prone to jealousy. If my husband “checked out” another woman – first of all -can’t imagine it – but IF he did – I’d think it was very amusing – because I’m not insecure in ANY way. And he knows that. But there are MANY women who are VERY insecure. About their looks – about their sex appeal – about everything. And being insecure CAN lead a man to “LOOK” somewhere else. At least that’s what my dear husband of 28 years says 🙂
    Thanks, Ken – for taking an interest in my blog – you’d love “Lust and Marriage” along with several other older posts of mine – we write on similar subjects 🙂

    God Bless!

  4. Ken Kendall says:

    Thanks Cindy. You are so right. The confidence I see in my wife is one of the most sexy things about her.

    I know that she wouldn’t worry if I looked at another woman, I know that she has the confidence that she is the only one for me, but because I love her, I don’t want to disrespect her.

    Once again, it is not about her. It is about me.

    I will be checking out “Lust and Marriage.”

  5. uponmyheart says:

    I love this….I think our society has become too open and allows to much. I feel we overlook to much. And I don’t think just an insecure person would agree with you. I think it is disrespectful to check out another woman or a wife to check out another man. Kudos to you for being like Christ has called us to…it i like that saying “what woudl Jesus do?” and truly what would He do if he had a wife? I think you try to live your life like that and it is great!

  6. pennymaxwell says:

    Good stuff!

    And hey, truthfully, when I feel my husband behind me, I can do most anything. His affirmation and support are what help me be so confident; after all I am bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh.

  7. Cindy Holman says:

    Ken – I mentioned your blog site and this article in my latest blog 🙂

  8. Jessica says:

    It’s the never ending debate (as is evidenced by the comments….)

  9. IntrigueMe says:

    Wouldn’t Jesus still recognize the beauty of another person without “checking them out”? Beauty can be recognized and appreciated without being oggled. I agree with Ken’s post, but like he said in his response to me it just came accross a little extreme. All I’m saying, is if you’re introduced to someone at a social gathering who is very attractive, are you going to be completely oblivious to that?? That doesn’t mean you have to “check them out” but how can you not simply notice?

  10. Suze says:

    I am a woman and I disagree with this article. I don’t mind if my s.o. looks at other women. I know he is going to notice them regardless, so why not let him look and enjoy? It’s almost like a lie for him not to look, because we both know when there is a beautiful woman in the room. In fact the only woman I get upset about him looking at are the ugly ones 🙂

  11. rageomatic says:

    Ken, I’ve been reading several of your posts trying to get a bead on what is wrong with your blog. It’s something quite insidious and it took me a bit. You are writing from this place of middle class, white, judeo-christian, straight, conservatism and passing that place off as the normal, middle of the road perspective. By presenting it as normal, you imply all other views are abnormal, and less desirable.

    “One of the worst offenses of these objectionable acts is how guys will..checkout other women when in the company of their wives.”

    Really? So that’s offensive to people in poly-amorous relationships? Because that seems unlikely. What about men and women married to bisexuals? Oh, and here’s crazy one: What about that small minority of men in serious relationships with woman who aren’t so insecure that they think the fidelity of their partner is in jeopardy because he finds other women attractive?

    “To even be aware of another women’s physical appearance while in the company of the one woman we each married is not only disrespectful, it is harmful to their self-esteem, their feeling of safety with their husband”

    My. God. What a horrible burden you carry to be responsible not only for your feeling but your wife’s sense of worth and safety as well. I suppose if my marriage was that causticly draining, I might put up a blog to convince myself I was happy too.

    I have some needs my wife will never meet, variety being one of them. She has some I will never meet, being Vin Diesel being on of them. This is only a problem in the warped WASP world you live on. For the rest of us, its not, because we don’t see the purpose of marriage as meeting other people’s needs.

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Thanks Rage for your thought provoking response. I can’t think of a better way to respond than bullet points, so as much as I dislike them, I will use them in this instance.

      1. There is nothing inherently insidious about writing from my or yours or any other viewpoint. That is why it is called a viewpoint. It is the point you are making from your view. Hence the term.
      2. Your interest in trying to define me by the terms you listed, is small-minded. I am writing only as a man. That is as narrow as you will be able to pigeon-hole me.
      3. While I don’t fit very well into some of the distinct categories you ascribed to me, I do in others and don’t apologize for any of them. I certainly don’t find the “white” category relevant here or anywhere else as the information is offered to the whole of the human race and I don’t see any difference in any one in the human race when referring to skin color.
      4. My viewpoint in writing this blog is one directed to and for married heterosexual couples in monogamous relationships. Coincidentally, the type of relationship I am in, and the only one I know anything about. That being said, my readers have commented that it has been helpful to unmarried, gay, and divorced people as well. I am glad to hear that. While I have no desire to be gay, divorced, poly-amorous or celibate, I certainly thank God that we live in country that gives us each the right to make our own choices.
      5. As to why I think it is objectionable, and I do think it is objectionable, note the term “checking out” that I used, it’s only because to many it is hurtful. This term refers to an action that describes placing some value on the physical appearance and/or form of another woman. Understanding that most of us have been blessed with the ability to see, it is not possible, nor was I intending for it to be, a condemnation of the act of seeing another woman. It was clearly addressing an act of more substance and import.
      6. While I am not able to so adeptly provide insight into other people and their circumstances, I can see that you think you have this gift. I would caution you to be wary of your perceptions. I have only seen you attempt this once now, and you failed miserably. I not only do not carry any burden as you describe in the responsibility of maintaining my wife’s worth or safety, but in actuality, carry the honor of just loving her completely. And the better I live up to that honor, the natural byproduct is that it does in fact do what you say. Thereby making my marriage totally fulfilling, not draining.
      7. As to whether you should start a blog to convince yourself your happy, I suggest you seek other avenues to this end. Blogging on a daily basis is very time consuming and if you are not already happy, this won’t likely bring you the happiness you are in need of.
      8. I too have some needs my wife may never meet. My wife also has some needs that I likely can’t fill. Nevertheless, we both try each day to meet the needs we can and it has really been a blessing for us both. I desire nothing more than this for myself and the woman I will spend the rest of my life with.
      9. For the group you refer to as “the rest of us,” I understand that you do not see marriage as a place where you would meet the needs of your spouse, but what is the purpose then?
      10. If I misunderstood any of your comments, I apologize. As to why you made them, I can hardly venture a guess. What is it about caring how your own actions might effect someone else that is so offensive to you? What is it about my offering suggestions to others about things that have worked well for me, causes you such consternation?

      I welcome your response and hope you will continue to read. I certainly welcome your thoughts and hope we both can learn something new from each other. That is the idea behind this thing called blogging I think.

      Have a great day. I wish the best to you and to whomever you find yourself in a relationship with.


  12. rageomatic says:

    I call it insidious because you write from a judeo-christian viewpoint without ever clearly referencing judeo-christianity. It’s like stealth Christianity, or Jesus Lite. My apologies, for thinking that was intentional.

    I don’t doubt many people find your advice helpful, if Christianity didn’t have mass appeal it wouldn’t have survived for 2000 years. I don’t have a problem with 99% of what you say here, but overall, it points a direction I find disturbing. One point of note:

    “To even be aware of another woman’s physical appearance while in the company of the one woman we each married is not only disrespectful, it is harmful to their self-esteem, their feeling of safety with their husband…”

    Followed by

    “I not only do not carry any burden as you describe in the responsibility of maintaining my wife’s worth or safety…”

    So, you carry the burden but it is joyous to you. And since this is an advice page, you would load this burden of being responsible for the emotional state of another human being on any hapless reader, because you personally find it so fulfilling.

    You leave my question unanswered: “What about that small minority of men in serious relationships with woman who aren’t so insecure that they think the fidelity of their partner is in jeopardy because he finds other women attractive?” Attractive for sex, I should have said to make clear I too spoke of lust.

    Marriage for “the rest of us” is partnership. Partnerships are a meeting of equals, not a tyranny of need where one member must constantly tiptoe around the other’s insecurities.

    “as to why you made them, I can hardly venture a guess…” Because you sell marriage short, sir.

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Oh, that’s what this is all about. Why didn’t you just say that in the beginning.

      Yes, you are correct. I am a Christian man. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ is exactly who he said he is. I believe that God created man. I believe that every one of us has sinned. I believe that Jesus paid the price for our sin by dying for you and me. I believe that it is my honor and blessing to live a life that shows that I love God. I believe that includes loving every other human being as well. Not just Christians. I believe that God loves you. Not because of what you do but just because you are you.

      I hope that clears up anything that you might have thought I was hiding. The fact is, I don’t hide it at all. I just am a firm believer that going on and on about being a Christian doesn’t make me one. Living a life that is an example is Christ is the only thing that matters to anybody. That said, I am a poor example of the man and God, that Jesus is. That also being said, my imperfection to date, does not prohibit me from trying to do better each day.

      I believe that a good marriage is very important. I believe there are many people who are and are not Jewish, Christian, Muslim or any other religion and would still like to have great marriages but sometimes don’t know what to do. I hope this blog is able to help some of those people.

      I hope that takes away the blind that you thought I had placed here to cover who I truly am. I also hope you will continue to keep reading and commenting. It is my pleasure to share my thoughts and ideas, and to be able to share yours as well.

      Have a great day today.

    • Ken Kendall says:

      Hey Rage,

      I kept thinking about what you said and something hit me. You mentioned that what made my offers of insight and suggestions insidious was that I don’t reference the fact that I am a Christian.

      This morning I went back to read my “about” page to see if I had really in fact miss pointing that out. It was there. Thank goodness. I couldn’t imagine myself not putting that in about me.

      Considering that my “about” page is by far the most visited location on my blog, by a factor of more than 6-to-1 when compared to the most visited post I have, I am certain that I was completely upfront and honest about my beliefs.

      Do you agree? Do you think it requires a labeling in each of the posts? Should everyone that blogs do the same?

      I welcome your thoughts on this. I find myself wondering if you would have felt the way you did if I was another religion or maybe gay or bisexual. Should anyone that fits into those categories also add this info to every post?

      I guess what I am saying is, branding people this way is divisive and prejudicial in my view. I think the suggestions and ideas I share here, are helpful to a lot of people. Many of them who are not Christians. I also think that there are many people who don’t agree with me and that’s okay too. For those, I welcome your comments and continued support and dialog, thereby improving all our communication skills and relationships. That’s the best part about it.

      I really mean it when I say I hope you have a great day and a great weekend. I am surely planning on doing the same.


  13. uponmyheart says:

    Wow….I am amazed that anyone finds this article offensive…I find it beautiful. Marriage is a partnership yes but it is a place to meet needs as well. It is a palce ot care for one another, love each other. And I agree with not staruing at aniother with your wife or husband there. I mean yes I find peopel attractive and my husband and I have discussed actros/actress’s we find attractive but never has he ever “checked” anyone out while with me and yes this woudl make me feel hurt. I am amazed it would nto to anyone. So, I will not ramble on anymore but I say keep up the work of loving your wife like Jesus has called us to. And to those thinking it is okay to oggle another woman with your eyes….the Bible says lust begins witht he eye and hand and it goes as far as to say to pluck it out and cut it off….and that is more intense than choosing to not do it in the first place. PS I am not in the middle class and I am Native American, in a very small town at an non-denominational church and have lived a heck of a life thus far….so I am not in some catergory like someone tried to place Ken in…..don’t judge by looks for we have all lived and been through something…

  14. Mrs. Pilgrim says:

    Even more to-the-point of this post, Uponmyheart, are the passages that directly precede what you cite: wherein Jesus informs us that even LOOKING with lust is adultery! It’s not so much the act as the heart. (Matthew 5:27 et seq.)

    Rageomatic, unfortunately, appears to be one of those who thinks that to express an opinion that does not account for every single person and situation in the history of the world is immoral or arrogant. What a burden to assume, that one must speak for every living soul on Earth, or not speak at all! But then I must ask…why does he speak at all himself?

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