Begrudgingly I admit to you all that having a good marriage does not take work, it takes a lot of work. To become more selfless and more giving, requires us as humans to overcome some of our most basic attitudes and desires. One could do this only if they believed that what they would receive is of greater value than what they will sacrifice. But what value have you established and ascribed to a great marriage in your own mind? Do you really believe that there is a great value and great return in a healthy marriage?
Once you have determined that there is in fact a great value in this, by definition you can understand that there will be great costs to achieve it. Some time ago, J. Allen pointed out, “He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would accomplish much must sacrifice much.” That is true of everything in life. To accomplish anything possessing great worth, there will be a high price to be paid.
In marriage, the price for greatness is overcoming our own selfish nature. But as I wrote about in a previous post, (Be selfish. It can really help.), one of the best ways to get what you really desire, is to give of yourself first. So what I am saying is, you have to overcome your selfishness by being selfish enough to want a great marriage and to receive the value it brings. Thus empowering yourself to put your wife’s needs, desires, wants and so much more, before your own. Which will bring you all that you desire as well. (Did I leave you all more confused than before I began?)
I really want to help you all establish in your 0wn minds the value of a great marriage. I hope to do that in future posts. In doing so, I am confident that you will see the benefits truly outweigh the price that must be paid to attain it.
Thought you mind find this useful…
This is an excerpt from a book by John Ensor entitled “Matters of the Heart” The book is full of insightful thoughts but this analogy is a gem and I’ve found it very helpful when trying to better understand biblical manhood and womanhood.
In the Winter Olympics, figure skating events are the hottest ticket
in town. Pairs figure skating has occasionally been the highest rated
event among viewers. At its best, it displays the strength
and beauty, the power and grace, of true unity. The gold medal is
awarded to the couple who has most mastered the skills of male
leadership and female support.
He leads her onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine.
She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His
raw physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all
the lifting, twirling, and catching. She complements his strength
with her own—a more diminutive and more attractive strength
of beauty, grace, speed, and balance. His focus as the head, or
leader, is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his
lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes
responsibility for the two of them, and she trusts his leadership
and delights in it.
If he makes a mistake, she pays the larger physical price while
he pays the larger emotional price. She falls, but he fails! So he has
to learn to initiate and risk. She has to help him understand her
moves and to endure his learning curve.
They do not fight for equality on the ice; they possess it as a
given. Each has a role to play and they are not jostling or fighting
about fairness. They are after something far more rewarding. No
one yells, “Oppressor!” as he leads her around the arena, lifting
her up and catapulting her into a triple spin. No one thinks she is
belittled as she takes her lead from him, skating backward to his
forward. No one calls for them to be egalitarian: “She should get
to throw him into a triple Lutz half the time!” They complement
each other in their complementarian approach to becoming one
majestic and powerful whole. No one, least of all he, minds that
the roses and teddy bears, thrown onto the ice when they have collapsed
into each others arms at the end, are for her. It is his joy.
This appears to me to be a visible model of what male leadership
and female support are all about. This is what it looks like as
it is worked out. It is an art form, not a mandate. It is a disposition,
not a set of rules. When it is done well, it is a welcome sight
in which both partners are fulfilled in themselves and delighted in
the other.
Olympic skaters would be the first to agree that this takes grit,
practice, and patience. They trade in the currency of bruises, cuts,
twisted ankles, and sore shoulders. But what they are purchasing
is a unity of movement that they both fittingly rejoice in.