Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” I don’t know about you guys but my wife is truly my best friend. I know that so many men say this because it is the right thing to say when they are in front of their wives. But I wonder how many would say that in front of their buddies, their family, or their coworkers. But Janine really is my best friend. I tell her everything. When something great happens to me, she is the first one I call. When I am struggling with something, again, she’s the one I turn to.
I have had a few exceptionally good friends in my life but none of them has ever been as close to me, my successes, my failures, my weaknesses and my strengths as my wife is today. And although she had the qualities of being a great friend long before I met her, I now realize that what makes her such a good friend to me is that I am a good friend to her. In all my friendships prior to her I had never let anyone in this close. I had never been as good a friend to anyone else as I am to her. Even with her ability to be a great friend, had I not been a great friend to her, she wouldn’t have been able to be that for me.
I had to make the choice to let her in. I had to let her see who I really am. I had to show her all the things that I keep hidden from my family, my other friends, and my church to maintain a wall of safety. Most of these things would be inappropriate to show to anyone else because the level of intimacy does not allow for the level of trust required. But with her, I have revealed these hidden places. She knows what I am afraid of. She knows the things I have done over my life that left me embarrassed. She knows all my dreams. She knows it all.
I have heard it said so many times that you can never be totally honest with your wife because they couldn’t handle it or accept it. That is not true. If you are not willing to be completely transparent with your wife, there is no hope of ever having a truly intimate relationship. I would suggest that for some, the reason they cannot be open about their past, is because they haven’t left their past where it belongs. They are still living some of it today.
If you have any desire to have a great relationship with your wife, you will have to have her as your best friend. If she is ever to be your best friend, you will have to be her best friend as well. Take the first step today. Start being more open with your wife. Don’t drop it all on her in one fell swoop. Just start practicing being completely honest with her about today. Live each day in a way that you can feel good about sharing with her. As you build trust over time, start sharing your past with her. Take it slow. Tell her what you are doing and why. That you covet a relationship where you could be her best friend and her yours. And then be it. Own it. Be the best.
What She Needs From You 
I love the honesty in this. It’s very well written and very true. You can be each other’s best friend. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 28 years – and although no marriage is perfect – the last year we have gone through something painful – we have recovered because of our STRONG friendship and trust built up over years of time together. Most marriages would not have survived – and that I believe is the KEY. More marriages could benefit from this little secret – that you and I know is not really a secret at all 🙂
Thank you so much for your comment and your honesty. We don’t have any promises that we will not struggle and have hard times, but we do know that going through them with our best friend can make all the difference we need to survive.
I really enjoyed reading your article. And time permitting I will be visiting again to read the rest of your articles. I also agree that you need friendship as well as love. And if you are lucky enough to find this very special person , count your blessings and be happy. Together you can face whatever storms life might throw at you. I wish you both happiness. All the best. Thanks again. Xenia
Thank you so much for the kind words. Please do come back when you have the time. I welcome any feedback so I can do a better job.
Ken,
These post are really excellent. Where as my blog was started primarily as a joke and I realized as I started to write more and more that I found my voice as they say, your seems to center around your sincere and genuine love for your wife! I should wish that we all had the kind of relationship that yours is expressed on your blog. Perhaps, after a few years of being single, I will finally make the big move, and change my “Man Law” blog into a “Husband Law”.
Please continue to check my site and comment as you wish.
Best,
Ethan
I will be checking it regularly. I am new to this blogging thing. Please do the same.
Great piece! SO true it smarts right between the eyes. Thanks for speaking plainly to both sexes, we gals are subject to the same selfish games hide and seek emotions. Convicting and inspiring! Keep it up! Congrats and blessings to you and your lovely wife! 🙂
And thanks for the comment, click over any time.
Peace,
M
Thanks M for your encouraging words. This is all so important to me. Thank you also for your compliment to my wife.
I will be back over regularly.
Ken,
This is so true. I LOVE when my husband calls me and says, “Guess what?” We work together and so we are with each other periodically throughout the day. Most people think this would be the worst possible scenario but it really is great when you are friends and share a passion for each other and for what you do.
Susan
Susan,
I am lucky enough to work with my wife a few days a week as well. What a blessing. We both love to be together and both love our company. You are so right.
Thanks for stoppying by my blog, and sharing your heart with all of us in your blog, just as I do everyday. I appreciate and love what you’re doing, because you’re letting men know that it’s okay to let your wife into that spot in your heart that you’re conditioned to protect. This information is vital to saving the state of Marriages in America today, it seems the men are afriad to completely let their wives, or anyone else in. As well as women has gotten so used to that cold treatment, that they don’t know what to expect from their spouses. They think that it’s okay to be “the wife and homemaker”, and not the best friend. I thank God for you, and the fact that you’re taking the time to share. Be blessed Brother Ken, you’re in my prayers!
Thank you for your encouragement. I didn’t really know what I was getting into when I began this just a couple of weeks ago. But I have found that not only is it a lot of work but it is needed work. The response has been great from people like yourself.
With God’s hand, marriage in America can be rejuvenated. We all just have to be humble and in service to God and our spouse.
This is a great piece. Wonderful perspective. I too am new to this whole “blogging thing” but I love to write and hopefully this will get me somewhere. To check out the flip side of things, visit my blog at http://twentysomethingmeetsreality.wordpress.com/. I started it because my boyfriend of two years and I recently broke up. It is half free therapy half hobby.
I really enjoyed your blog. It is amazing how writing as we do can do so much more than just improve our writing skills.
I too have found it therapeutic. I also find that it is keeping me more accountable.
Great post. I, too, have to say that our great friendship is a wonderful foundation for our happy marriage. I’ve known this all along, but my oldest daughter (who just graduated high school last year) made note of this just the other day. This made me exceptionally happy since I pray she will find the same happiness one day. I think this intimate friendship begins before marriage actually takes place. That’s how you will know marriage is right for you as a couple. I want my children to know that and begin with friendship as opposed to romance so that they will always enjoy this intense intimacy with their spouse in the years to come.
My blog is not exclusively about marriage, but I am greatly interested in the subjects of marriage, godly relationships, and biblical manhood and womanhood. My blog, The Adventures of Mama Angela, can be found at mamaangela.wordpress.com, and contains lots of stories about family and marriage. My blog, of course, has a woman’s point of view, which makes it different from yours. Perhaps you might enjoy some of my perspectives. I invite you to check out my ponderings.
Sorry about that! Here is an easy way to find The Adventures of Mama Angela:
http://mamaangela.wordpress.com
And thanks again for putting such a positive male perspective on marriage out there! Blessings-
Dear Ken,
This post really made me stop and think about something I think I’ve known for quite some time without really taking it in, you know?
When I met R, it was so easy to love him. Love was this big massive all encompassing emotion that seemed to settle over all the bumps and cracks like water over uneven parched ground. It soothed and softened, and levelled things. Filled gaps where there was emptiness and carefully smoothed the rough edges where they’d appeared over time and tribulations. But learning how to be his friend was completely different for me.
My view and understanding of friendship and its requirements were much more evolved than my experience with love. I could love selflessly to the point where my attention and affection for him was destructively self-effacing. I made choices that in a broader perspective caused trouble or hurt to either one or both of us, because I was trying to make everything about him and forgot about myself in the process. But at the same time as I was doing this out of love, as a friend I knew it was wrong.
Friendship required me to be an equal partner. And to make him one as well. So, I felt conflicted and torn. Most especially because in order to make things right I had to consider him enough of a friend that I could and would be honest with him about my needs, my wishes and my preferences. In other words, friendship required me to accept that love means nothing when it’s a one-way street.
Till this day it remains a work in progress, and I don’t always get it right. But I am more aware now of the consequences when I get it wrong. I used to be so stubborn and self-reliant in all things. I used to think that my greatest strength. Now, I consider it a resource… whereas my growing ability and willingness to go to him and tell him that I need him, need his help or wish for his presence… going to him when I feel weak or incapable or defeated and let him stand with me… my faith in him… that is my new greatest strength.
*smiles quietly*
Thank you for reminding me of this, Ken.
All the best you to and yours,
Rayn
Great point. It is not much of a friendship if we both cannot tell each other how we feel, what we need, and what we like.
I too can easily work so hard to meet the needs of another without voicing my needs. I have had to really work on this. To be open about what I need as well.
Today I can do this freely with my wife and know that she is just as interested in me as I am in her. That’s a great feeling.